Jokes....

Jeremy Guscott

Jeremy Guscott was going to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyndrobwyllandysylioggogogoch R.F.C.to speak at a gentlemen's evening. As he was driving up, he decided to learn how to say the rugby club's name and get a massive round of applause. As he arrived he called into a café, and said to the waitress "Can you tell me where I am, but speak very slowly?" The waitress, puckered up her lips and said "Burrrrr gerrrrrrr king"




The Pope

On a tour of Wales, the Pope took a couple of days off his Itinerary to visit the West coast near Aberystwyth on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Welsh Rugby Shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Wales and England, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow.
"He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nowt about shark hunting.
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"



Ref!

A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If he could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in. "Well," said the ref, "I was controlling a game between Wales and England in Cardiff. Wales were two points ahead with a minute to go. Ben Cohen made a break, passed inside to Martin Johnson. Johnson was driven on by his forwards, before he passed out to Lawrence Dallaglio who went over in the corner. But Dallaglio dropped the ball before he could ground it. As England were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had got it down and awarded the try."
"OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book," said Peter, before disappearing to look it up. When he came back he said: "Sorry, there's no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?"
The ref looked at his watch and replied, "45 seconds ago."


Ugly?

Madonna, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were playing in the woods one day, when out of the blue Madonna shouts: I'm the prettiest girl in the world.. Tom Thumb in turn shouts out: I'm the smallest man in the world, and not to be outdone, Quasimodo shouts: Well I'm the ugliest man in the world. To be absolutely sure they decide to go and visit the witch in the woods and her crystal ball. Madonna goes in first. Five minutes later she comes out dancing and singing and tells the others: It's true, I am the prettiest of them all. Tom Thumb goes in next... he comes out five minutes later, jumping up and down, waving his arms in the air: Yippee he shouts, I'm the smallest man in the world. Quasimodo then goes in for the final verdict. Five minutes later he comes out, head bowed and tearful. Madonna and Tom Thumb, a bit concerned, ask what happened. Quasimodo replies: Who the hell is Brian Moore?